


And the Path Was a Circle

by tatertatra



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, First Time, Force Bond (Star Wars), Inappropriate Use of the Force, Post-Canon, Post-TLJ, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, TLJ Spoilers, jedi master rey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-02-16 12:29:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13054026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tatertatra/pseuds/tatertatra
Summary: “Then what does that make you, little Jedi Master? How would your friends feel if they knew you’d been fraternizing with the monstrous Kylo Ren for five years?”In the years following the Battle of Crait, Rey and Kylo Ren are beginning to wonder what it's all for, to what end they're willing to follow the paths laid before them. The war is endless and their positions within it tiring. The only solace they can seem to find is in each other, through conversations across their bond and secret rendezvous.But their time is running out.





	1. in dreams I have watched it spin

_ Then I saw it.  _

_ I saw a Mom who would die for her son;  _

_ a man who would kill for his wife;  _

_ a boy, angry and alone,  _

_ laid out in front of him the bad path.  _

_ I saw it.  _

_ And the path was a circle,  _

_ round and round.  _

_ So I changed it. _

_ - _ **_Looper_ **

 

“Your friends are very skilled in the art of destroying my fleets.”

The sound of his voice pulled at her like a snapped tether. She sat up suddenly, rubbing sleep from her eyes and searching the dark of her room for him. 

He was standing before a map, somewhere across the galaxy, looking over little red blips in the hologram that marked another lost ship for the First Order. “I have to admit, I’m impressed.” 

There was no malice to his tone, but she scowled anyway. “Is there a reason you’re waking me up? Other than to congratulate me on the death of your men?”

She saw him peek at her out of the corner of his eyes. He almost looked amused. “Not my fault. You reached out in your sleep.”

“Oh.”

“And I got tired of listening to you snore.” 

She huffed and flopped back down onto her bed, pulling the covers up to her ears. Her back was to him, but she could still feel him, hovering on the edges of her consciousness. They’d been at this for years now, ceaseless back and forth and conversations that eased her mind more than she cared to admit. “Well my sincerest apologies,  _ Ben _ .” 

He ignored her jab, opting to remain silent for a moment. Until finally, he spoke, too soft and concerned to do either of them any good. “Something troubles you, I can feel it. You’ll keep the connection up until you talk about it.”

A weary headache pressed between her eyes. She felt like being a child. Like sticking her tongue out at him and calling him all the foul names she’d learned in her years at war. She wasn’t the only one who could be insufferable. 

Instead, she let the pause between them hang heavy. 

“Rey.”

She hated the way she felt when he said her name. It was always so close to reverence, whispered and hallowed. Like she could almost forget why it was wrong. 

She sucked in a breath and held it, before letting the words fall from her mouth. “There’s a girl here. She’s new and young, suffocated by her anger. I’m worried I can’t reach her.”

The girl, Lyra, had been brought to her by Finn, and to be honest, she was more beast than child. She couldn’t have been older than fifteen, scrawny and feral in her grief, with a nest of wild copper hair and skin so pale it shone a sickly green. 

She bit anything that got too close too fast, and lashed out with hands like claws. 

“I want someone to hurt like me,” she’d said. “I want someone to understand what it feels like.”

And then she’d burrowed herself into the mind of another padawan just to see if she could. 

Kylo pulled Rey from the memory. “Are you asking for my help?”

She bit her tongue before she sighed and sat up again, running her hands over her face. Her feet recoiled from the cold floor as she swung her legs over the edge of her bed, bringing her thinning blanket up with her to wrap around her shoulders. “I need your advice, at the very least,” she said. She stood and walked towards the vision of him. “If you’ll help me.”

His eyes were so dark as she looked up at him, she could see herself reflected in them. He let them rake over her before he turned away again, like it hurt to see her. She chewed on the inside of her cheek and ignored the way her insides ached. 

He moved around the map, hands tucked together behind his back. She noted the way his shoulders relaxed, maybe unnoticeable to anyone else. He raised his chin and spared her another glance. “Why is she angry?” 

Rey curled the blanket tighter around her. “The Resistance killed her parents. Civilian casualties. We—“ She shook her head. “ _ They _ miscalculated.”

He made a noise somewhere between a grunt and a laugh. A dark look of amusement passed over his face. “Growing tired of your legacy as a resistance war hero?”

“I grow tired of this war, Ben. And all the suffering it brings.”

The corner of his mouth twitched into a frown. “Then put an end to it.”

“Then why don’t you?” she snapped. “You’re the Supreme Leader. I’m no one.”

“You know that’s not true.” He watched her cooly for a moment. “And you know I can’t end this war anymore than you can.”

That made her hands tighten into fists. “Because you’re a coward.”

Apparently she’d struck a nerve, because the lines of his shoulders drew up again. “Then what does that make you, little Jedi Master? How would your friends feel if they knew you’d been fraternizing with the monstrous Kylo Ren for five years?” 

Her cheeks burned. “Stop it.”

They’d probably say she was a traitor, and she didn’t quite know if she could bring herself to disagree. 

He was rigid before her, knuckles visible through gloves as he gripped the edges of a console. “Our paths were worn well before us. You’d do well to remember that.”

When she felt the anger rising up in her like a tide, when she felt the pitch-black pooling at the edges of her vision, she forced herself to let it go. It washed over her. She let it tense her muscles like she was ready for a fight, and instead of reaching for it, she watched it recede. 

He was staring at her with that shadowed gaze again. He’d gotten better at masking his emotions, but not good enough for her not to see. 

Envy, pity, awe, and something that made her stomach flip with a sickly, haunting feeling. 

She offered him a calm look. “I don’t want to argue with you. I just want to help the girl.” Her eyes were unblinking on his. “Please. Will you help me?”

_ Help you what?  _ she imagined him saying.  _ Help you ensure she doesn’t end up like me? Like you don’t end up like Luke? _

But he didn’t say it. He just watched her with immeasurable sadness.

_ Help me ensure she doesn’t end up in pain like you. _

He forced himself to look away with a sigh. “Let her be angry,” he said. “Let her mourn, let her question. When she comes to you to know  _ why _ , do not lie. There’s no lie you could tell that would ever soothe her pain.” He paused. “Let her know she’s not alone, that you would not let her drown in a pool of grief.”

It made her chest ache. She’d trained herself not to think of the  _ what-ifs _ , but it was impossible not to see. 

Had their paths been different, he would be there with her. He would be a good teacher, he’d understand their student’s struggles better than anyone else. 

Not theirs, though.  _ Hers _ . 

And he wasn’t there. He was in a different star system completely, planning battles that could kill the people she loved. 

She simply nodded. “Thank you, Ben.” 

He didn’t look at her and she felt the distance between them grow stronger. Just before the vision faded, he whispered, “Goodnight, Rey.”

And then he was gone. 

The coldness of her room swept over her. It was dark again, the moons outside her window hidden behind clouds. 

Loneliness settled in her bones, heavier than before. 

She closed her eyes and willed herself to breathe through her nose. 

With a final heavy sigh, she turned and crawled back into bed, trying desperately not to think of the equally lonely man somewhere beyond the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a dynamic I really wanted to explore, especially after watching The Last Jedi. An older, wizened, bitter, Rey and Kylo Ren. Hopefully y'all will enjoy the ride. Expect DRAMA! ANGST! ATONEMENT OF ONE'S SINS AND THE ORDERS THEY FOLLOW! Also some fun cameos I'm planning. ;)  
> Comments and kudos are much appreciated, as you all know.  
> And many thanks to my lovely betas: Leslie and Alex. Thank you for loving Supreme Leader Blue Balls. <3  
> Find me on tumblr and twitter @ tatraas


	2. I see a storm bubbling up from the sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There’s something else,” Rey said. “Why I’m really here.”
> 
> He blinked down at her. Her face was serious, a line pressing between her brows.
> 
> “And here I thought you just enjoyed my company.”
> 
> She rolled her eyes. “It’s serious. We need to talk.”
> 
> “What do you call this then?”
> 
> Her eyes shifted around. She fiddled with the hem of her robes. “I mean in person.”

It took all Kylo’s strength not to slaughter everyone in the room. 

“Supreme Leader Ren, as your advisor, I must implore you to see reason.” The man had mustache that quirked to the left when he was lying, and a voice that tore through patience like claws. “We have the strength, the numbers to take Corellia. You needn’t bother with all this political nonsense. We--” 

Kylo’s fist met the table with a resounding  _ crack  _ that echoed down the corridor. The comm screens flickered, consoles rattling. “Enough!” 

Everyone around the table had jumped, shuffling in their seats until their spines were pin-straight and their eyes carefully fixed on the space before them. There had been a time when their fear would’ve thrilled him, sent goosebumps over his skin and carved a cruel line across his mouth. 

Now it just exhausted him. He wanted to be alone. Or to put his fist through something. Maybe both, preferably both. 

His voice dripped with condescension, lips curled over his teeth. “And what might you suggest, Advisor Pax? That we raze it to the ground? That we create even more martyrs for the Resistance?”

Then the pressure in the room dropped. 

It felt like his head had been dunked underwater, ears popping and all the sound in the room falling away. His heart hiccuped in a brief moment of panic.

Until he saw her out of the corner of his eye, leaning against something with her arms folded over her chest.

He kept his face a careful mask and refused to acknowledge she was there. 

Pax’s face was flushed, mouth pinched in barely-contained fury. The sound of his voice was far away. “Of course not, Supreme Leader. I just--”

“Oh I remember him,” Rey said. “He doesn’t like you. Though I can’t imagine why.”

Of all times, of all days for her to call on him,  _ of course  _ it had to be now. He inhaled through his nose and ground his teeth. 

Kylo raised his hand and the man fell silent. “We need ships. Ships require workers willing to do their jobs. We don’t get willing workers by destroying their homes and killing their families.” He rubbed his thumb across the side of his forefinger, letting the feel of the leather soothe his rapidly fraying nerves. “Tell the Corellian Ambassadors I’ll meet with them personally. Now everybody get out.”

“But--”

“Out.”

The council all but ran from the room, ducking their heads and fleeing through the door. 

Ambassador Pax’s nostrils flared, but he bit his tongue and bowed at the waist. “Of course, Supreme Leader. I’ll let them know right away.” He turned on his heel and marched out with his mustache twitching in irritation.

Hux was the last to leave, standing slowly with his eyes narrowed. He braced his hands on the table. “Do you truly think this is a good idea,  _ Supreme Leader _ ?” He made no attempts to keep the disgust from his voice. “I’d hate to see another failure taint your glorious reign.”

Hatred, sharp and deep, poked at Kylo’s skin. He thought about finally choking the life out of the weasley little shit. It was like an itch that constantly needed to be scratched. 

His eyes flicked to Rey, who was behind Hux and failing to keep smirk from playing on her mouth.

They were both testing him and his patience was wearing thin.

But fine. If they wanted to play, he could play.

Kylo leaned back into his chair like it was a throne, legs spread and chest out. Take up as much space as possible because it was  _ his _ . Everything in the whole damned galaxy was his to take, if he wanted it. Power rolled off him in waves. His set his chin and stared at Hux cooly. “Is there a problem, General?”

The muscles in Hux’s jaw tightened. “I’m merely concerned with the stability of the First Order’s alliances. If we’re shown to be too lenient, it could lead to rebellions.”

“And if we’re too strict, we guarantee it.” Kylo let his head roll to the side, casting a bored glance out the viewport. “But I’m sure there must be  _ someone  _ willing to take your complaints, General. Your Supreme Leader, however, is extremely busy.”

Rey snorted. “Impressive.”

Hux’s hands curled into fists. “Of course.” He took a deep breath and dipped his head. “You’ve never failed us before,  _ Supreme Leader _ .” It slid from his mouth like a curse, something to be spat out and ground with the toe of a boot. “My mistake.”

Kylo whipped back to give him a cold look, a warning. “None amongst us are immune to mistakes. I know you’ve learned  _ so much _ since Starkiller Base.”

When Hux opened his mouth to reply, Kylo let a tendril of power wrap around the pallid flesh of Hux’s neck. He didn’t squeeze, not yet. But the General immediately went stiff and his mouth snapped shut.

“Goodnight, General.”

Hux’s eyes shown with rage, but he said nothing and stomped from the room.

Kylo let his head fall back against the chair, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes against the harsh artificial lights.

He didn’t look up until he heard Rey’s distant footsteps approach.

“Is he always like that?”

“Yes.”

There was amusement to Rey’s voice. “You suit each other.”

The last threads of patience snapped, his tongue honed to a fine edge. “If you came here just to antagonize me, you should know I’m hardly in the mood.”

Her face scrunched in anger. “What? You’re fine with dishing it out but you can’t take it when someone does it back?”

Oh, she was thorn in his side. A glitch in what was supposed to be a flawless system. Five years ruling the First Order but she was always there, a constant reminder that there was something, buried in the back of his mind, that was  _ wrong _ .

He’d wanted this, didn’t he?

Alone, he could pretend. 

But not like this. Not with her here, poking and prodding at the pieces of him that were missing. 

He shot up and let his chair crash behind him. 

She didn’t even have the courtesy to flinch.

“What do you want, Rey?”

Something passed across her face. Hurt. Shame. He could almost make out tinges of color high on her cheeks. “We haven’t talked in a month,” she said, quieter than before. “I wanted to see if you were alright.”

It ripped through him like bolt. 

Stupid, the both of them. Stupid and even worse together. They’d always done this. She chases, he pushes her away, until he chases and she pushes him away. Round and round, a weary circle. Something akin to this cursed war. 

But it was all they knew.

So he pushed.

“I’m fine.”

“Good.”

“ _ Good _ .”

She turned and began to withdraw, anger flaring up around her like he was standing too close to a flame. 

_ Shit _ .

He took a step forward and called out to her. “Wait.”

She paused, silent.

He sighed. “How’s the girl?”

She cast him a curious look over her shoulder. “Do you really care?”

He cared far more than he wanted to admit. Knowing that someone wouldn’t end up with the same kind of eternal-hurt as him made something light, bright, spark in his chest. “I asked didn’t I?”

She seemed to think for a minute, clenching and unclenching her fists before she finally turned to face him again. She crossed the space between them again with a few steps. “Better. Much better. It still hurts, of course, but I think she’s learning to work through it. She hasn’t bitten anyone in two weeks.”

He actually laughed, a joyous sound that bubbled up from his insides and past his lips before he could stop it. 

A soft smile pulled at her mouth and he had to fight the blush creeping up his face. He ran a nervous hand through his hair.

A thought prickled at the back of his mind. 

_ It could be like this all the time, if I really want.  _

He remembered that night in the hut on Ahch-To. He remembered the feel of her fingers on his, and for the first time, someone understood what it was like to be alone. That understanding though...it had meant they weren’t alone anymore. 

_ I could have that again. _

“There’s something else,” Rey said. “Why I’m really here.”

He blinked down at her. Her face was serious, a line pressing between her brows. 

“And here I thought you just enjoyed my company.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s serious. We need to talk.”

“What do you call this then?”

Her eyes shifted around. She fiddled with the hem of her robes. “I mean in person.”

His stomach flipped. “Oh.”

She looked over her shoulder at something he couldn’t see and cursed under her breath. A voice, small like a child’s echoed in the distance, calling for their master.

When she looked back up at him, her eyes were desperate. “Fulcrum. Meet me in a week.”

Before he could reply, she dropped the connection. The sense of her faded from his peripherals. 

Her absence left a hole in him. All the irritation and exhaustion from the day came rushing back. He groaned and pressed the palms of his hands against his eyes.

Whatever it was, it must’ve been important. They never met in person unless it was urgent. The risk was too great otherwise, or so they had to remind themselves when the ache was too great, when they became too starved of touch.

A part of him was excited though, even if she chose his least favorite place to meet. He couldn’t quite tell if the old woman liked him or not. She always watched him with sad eyes, so bright and blue they cut right to the bone. But she adored Rey. He supposed that was all that mattered.

That, and she’d never let their little rendezvous slip before.

Still, he cursed and opened his eyes to cast one quick look over the room. 

He had one week to come up with an excuse and a plan to get out of the system without being tracked. 

He’d worked against greater odds than that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST OF ALL, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR ALL THE POSITIVITY AND FEEDBACK ON THIS. IT MAKES MY SOUL SING.   
> :^) but as for chapter two... a veryyyy interestingggg development....I hope y'all liked it! And I hope you're looking forward to a certain Togruta making an appearance.   
> Anyway, as always, comments and kudos are much appreciated!   
> And many thanks to Alex and Leslie, the betas whom I would die without. And Victoria for always listening to me yell about this fic.  
> Find me on tumblr and twitter @ tatraas


	3. unaware I'm tearing you asunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looked back and Rey and they stared at each other for a weighted moment, breathing in the other’s presence.
> 
> Rey was the first to break their silence. Her voice came out higher than she anticipated. “It’s good to see you, Ben. In person.”
> 
> Something quirked at the corner of his mouth. An almost-smile, but not quite. He said nothing and nodded instead.

The comm from Ahsoka came in the middle of the night two weeks ago and nearly frightened Rey to death. 

The commlink on her nightstand buzzed before blinking to life.

“Master Jedi, I require you and your broody friend at your earliest convenience.”

She scrambled out of bed, patting blindly through the sudden light until her fingers pressed against the commlink. She snatched it up and held it to her face. “Ahsoka! Is everything alright?”

The old woman shrugged. There were a few more lines on her face than Rey remembered, but everything else was the same. Umber skin, montrals, lekku, and white markings on her face, which were currently marred by a bored frown. “Stop panicking, I’m fine. I have something for the Jedi Killer. Consider it a... _ gift _ ”

Rey rubbed the sleep from her eyes. “Why are you telling me then?”

“You can get ahold of him a lot easier than I can.” Ahsoka shifted, tapping her cane on the floor and casting Rey a scrupulous look. “And besides, I figured he wouldn’t show up without you.”

Rey flushed, but she didn’t argue. “Fine.”

Ahsoka made a knowing noise at the back of her throat and tilted her head. “Come to Raada in two standard weeks.”

And just like that, she was gone.

Rey stared at the patch of dark where Ahsoka had been and blinked. The commlink in her hand was cold and quiet now, almost as if it had all been a dream. But no, Rey’s dreams were never nearly as pleasant as a teasing Ahsoka Tano.

She collapsed back onto her bed, throwing her arm over her eyes and cursing under her breath. She wasn’t entirely sure if Ben would agree to meet Ahsoka for something so trivial, so she’d have to...stretch the truth, make it seem more urgent than a present.

The irony wasn’t lost on her that, in truth, neither of them had earned the other’s honesty. That had been their agreement upon separating: anything witnessed or heard during their connection was fair game.  _ You know I can take whatever I want. _ He’d said that to her years ago, like a thing to be chewed up and spit out. And yet, he never took anything, nothing that she didn’t get back tenfold. 

As far as she knew, neither of them had ever put their overheard secrets to use. 

She wondered how many lives had been saved for that.

And she wondered how many had been lost.

She pulled the covers over her head and forced the thoughts from her mind. To be honest, she knew she could tell him anything and he’d come running; the same stood true for her as well. That was their greatest weakness and it knotted in her stomach. It felt like they were simply existing on borrowed time. 

_ I’ll just tell him I have to tell him something important. That’ll have to be good enough. _

Sleep didn’t come easy to her that night. She dreamt of rain and blood and a body on her doorstep. 

\---

“Master Rey, where are you going?”

“I have to go get supplies for the temple.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Because why?”

She’d never quite gotten the hang of children. They were like little shadows. Chattering, sticky, force-sensitive shadows.

The Twi’lek girl reached for Rey’s staff, balanced precariously against the wall. Rey could see it now: Vaara would knock it down and it would hit her in the head, and then Rey would spend another hour trying to comfort a squalling padawan. 

And she was already running three hours behind schedule.

She snatched the staff up and strung it across her back, sparing Vaara a scolding look.

The girl pouted but seemed content enough when Rey laughed and pecked her on top of her head. “I have to go now, but I’ll be back before you know it.”

Vaara’s nose wrinkled. “Can I go with you?”

“Not this time, I’m afraid.” Rey turned back to her dresser, stuffing her civilian clothes into the bag on her hip.

She gnawed on her lower lip before throwing her nicest underwear into the bag too. 

She pushed  _ those  _ thoughts from her head and looked down at Vaara to flash her a smile. “Master Ezra needs you to help him take care of the younglings while I’m gone. I’m trusting you with this.” Kneeling, she tucked her fingers under Vaara’s violet chin. “Do you think you can do it?”

Her face lit up. ”Yes!”

It was a little spark that reminded Rey why all of this was worth it. Her smile brightened into a full, warm grin. “Are you sure? It’s a very special job. Vital.”

Vaara bounced on her toes. Her lekku bobbed against her shoulders as she nodded. “Yes, Master Rey! I swear it!”

“Good. Master Ezra should be in the dining hall. Tell him I sent you and I’ll be back in three standard days.” Rey tipped her head for Vaara to repeat. 

“I’m to help Master Ezra and you’ll be back in three days! Got it!”

Without waiting for a response, Vaara spun on her heel and scurried through the door. Despite herself, Rey laughed and stood up again.

_ Ezra’s going to kill me _ , she thought.  _ But definitely not as much as he’d kill me if he knew the truth. _

With a shake of her head, she stuffed the rest of her belongings into her bag and slipped from her room. 

Most of the students were still eating lunch, and for that Rey was grateful. She hurried from the temple dormitories with no interruptions, no little exuberant voices calling down the halls or across the courtyard. The less people to question what she was doing, the easier her mind was. 

She hated lying, but the last couple years had required her to become hardened to it.

The hangar was on the edge of campus, tucked away near the woods and away from prying eyes. Especially for occasions such as these.

Chewie was already waiting for her when she entered the Millennium Falcon. He gave her a few disapproving warbles before starting to fire it up.

She sighed and slipped into the copilot’s seat. “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I couldn’t slip away until now.”

He gave her a look.

Without saying anything else, her fingers found all the switches and the Falcon hummed to life.

 

It took a day of nonstop hyperspace travel to reach Raada in the Falcon. Getting to Ahsoka Tano would’ve been a far greater chore if not for Chewie, though she always felt vaguely like a one of her students being dropped off by their parents. She supposed it wasn’t far from the truth, though with less training and more...time with Ben.

And being lectured by a grumpy old Togruta.

As they approached the surface, she saw Ahsoka standing off in the distance. Her fingers drummed across the crook of her cane.

Rey turned to Chewie and rested her hand on his shoulder. “Meet me back here the day after tomorrow. Two standard days.”

He nodded and made another affectionate noise.

She smirked. “I will. And I’ll tell him.”

 

Raada was a place still recovering from the Empire. Even thirty-something years later, the soil was rocky and contained barely enough nutrients to grow grain. Somehow though, Ahsoka managed to carve a life out of the simple land. She refused to leave, despite everyone’s greatest efforts and offers to find her a more habitable place to live. 

There was something about this place that was woven into her sinew.

Rey hadn’t worked up the courage to ask.

When she stepped off the ship, satchel bouncing against her hip, her boots immediately sank into a layer of stinking mud. She made a face and kicked the muck off her foot. It splattered across the boarding ramp.

Ahsoka let out a hoarse laugh as she approached. “You’re getting spoiled, Jedi.”

“It’s not my fault you live in a swamp.”

She cracked her cane across Rey’s shins. “It builds character.”

Rey yelped and tried to rub the sting from her skin. She opened her mouth to snap back but Ahsoka shot her a dirty look. 

“You’re late,” she said, turning to head back towards her stone hut. “You’re both late. Typical.”

_ To be fair, you never really gave us a specific time. _ She swallowed the thought and dipped her head. “I’m sorry, Ahsoka. I had some business at the temple to wrap up that took longer than expected. As for Ben--”

Ahsoka waved her hand. “Yes, yes, I know. You don’t know where he’s at.” She cast a look over her shoulder as the Falcon roared back to life and took off behind them. “That bond of yours isn’t nearly as useful as one might think.”

Rey grumbled under her breath, “No, it’s not.”

As if on cue, a silver cruiser blipped into the atmosphere, one she didn’t recognize. It caught the light of the setting sun. 

The hair on her arms prickled like she’d walked into a field of static. She felt him, strong and burning in the peripherals of the force. When she reached out, she felt him in the spark at the tips of her fingers.

She couldn’t help the small smile curling at her mouth. “He’s here.”

Ahsoka sighed. “I may not have ears, but I do have eyes.”

She ignored Ahsoka’s jabs and watched the ship approach.

It landed in the mud with skilled ease, settling into the soft earth with a satisfying squelch. Rey rolled her eyes. She could feel the smugness rolling from the ship already. 

But it all evaporated when the shuttle door slid open and he stepped out into the light.

Real and solid and  _ there _ , with her. For her. It was almost overwhelming. He was in different clothes, plain and unassuming, and though they weren’t black, they were still dark washes of grey and blue. 

His hands reached back and fussed with his hair, releasing it from the band that kept it swept back in a stub of a ponytail. He frowned and smoothed it back to the dramatic part she was familiar with.

She bit her tongue at the disappointment that bloomed in her belly. 

The ponytail was  _ good _ . 

His eyes immediately settled on her and she felt it pull at every inch of her skin. “Rey,” he said, soft and testing it against his tongue.

She sucked in an involuntary breath.

“Rey, Jedi Killer. Jedi Killer, Rey. Yes, yes, we know. You go through this every time.” Ahsoka was standing in the doorway to her hut, tapping her cane on the doorframe with one hand while the other rested haughtily on her hip.

Ben nodded at her. “Master Tano.”

She scoffed. “Now you’re just trying to get on my good side. I’m no Jedi.” She disappeared inside her home but her voice rang out. “Now hurry up, you’re late.”

He looked back and Rey and they stared at each other for a weighted moment, breathing in the other’s presence. 

Rey was the first to break their silence. Her voice came out higher than she anticipated. “It’s good to see you, Ben. In person.”

Something quirked at the corner of his mouth. An almost-smile, but not quite. He said nothing and nodded instead.

She stood frozen in place and he moved towards Ahsoka’s hut. He crossed the space between them with quick, long strides, and when he passed her, she felt the briefest of touches against her hand.

He was warm, a shock to her system. But just as quickly as the sensation was there, it was gone and he ducked inside. 

She closed her eyes and focused on calming breaths. 

She forgot how hard it was on her nervous system to be around him. Somehow, she always underestimated her own traitorous feelings. 

At least she could find comfort in assuming he was going through the same thing.

When she opened her eyes again, the sun was just dipping below the horizon. 

She turned on her heel and followed Ben and Ahsoka indoors. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST OF ALL, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR ALL THE ENTHUSIASM AND SUPPORT FOR THIS FIC. I'M VERY OVERWHELMED. But in the best way.  
> Anyway, here you have it! They're together!! In person!! And the tension is palpable. I hope you all enjoy. The next chapter is going to be a treat ;)  
> I wanted to get this up for you all before tomorrow (surgery, I'm sure you're tired of hearing about it.) I'll be recovering for the next three weeks but after the first couple days, I should be well enough to start writing again. Hell, I probably won't be fit enough to do anything BUT write lmao. Anyway, I'll see y'all sans a gallbladder.  
> As always blah blah blah betas, the lovely Leslie and Alex.  
> Find me on tumblr and twitter @ tatraas  
> PS. If you're interested, I wrote a fun little one-shot snapshot fic about Padawan Ben. So...you should check it out!


	4. we’re trying to belong, pick up the pieces left of us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey sighed. “You can say you miss him too, you know.” She paused, head cocked to the side just enough to let her hair spill over her shoulder. His hand twitched, itching to tuck it behind her ear. Her eyes bore into his. “It’s okay to admit you care about someone.”  
>  _No, it’s not,_ he thought. _Not now, not here.  
>  Not with you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you read this chapter, there's some references made to moments in Rebels and The Clone Wars. I'd suggest watching the 'Ahsoka Tano vs Darth Vader' scene from Rebels and 'Ahsoka Leaves the Jedi Order' scene from The Clone Wars for the best experience ;). (Both can be found on YouTube).  
> Enjoy!

The inside of Ahsoka’s hut was lit by a center fire. The pit was round and dug into the earth floor, with mismatched stools and benches around it. 

The space was small and quaint and always reminded him of the huts at Luke’s temple.

The thought still rubbed him raw.

Kylo took a seat on one of the benches, leaving room next to him for Rey--  _ just in case-- _ then scolded himself for doing so. He was suddenly aware of his limbs, too long and awkward for such a small space. Always too much, never sure enough to make it work. Especially here, where everyone saw through every mask and facade he’d ever tried. 

He rested his elbows on his knees and pinched the bridge of his nose.  _ Maker, I hate this fucking place. _

“You seem exhausted.” Ahsoka had her back to him, digging through a chest across the room. There was nothing malicious about her tone, which immediately made him suspicious. “Long journey?”

_ Was she...trying to make small talk? _

He blinked before replying. “Something like that.”

She hummed. “Must be exhausting leading a tyrannical order.”

_ Ah, there it is. _

He scowled. “But not nearly as exhausting as hobbling around the shell of a planet because you’re a stubborn ass that refuses to leave.”

The sharp sting of a flick rippled across his forehead. 

When he went to retort, Rey stepped through the doorway and his jaw snapped shut. Her cheeks were red and she kept her head down as she crossed the room and took a seat across the fire from him. 

Disappointment bloomed in his chest.

They sat in uncomfortable silence before he cleared his throat. “How was the journey here?”

Rey finally looked up at him. The fire cast long shadows across her face, drawing across the hollow of her cheeks and eyes. She looked older, tired. A type of bone-deep weariness he knew all too well. Still, she gave him a small smile. “Fine. Chewie was with me.”

He bit the inside of his cheek. “I see.”

She studied him for a moment, something mischievous tugging at her mouth. “He told me to tell you he misses you.”

It made his ears ring. 

How was he supposed to feel? How did she expect him to react? There was still a scar punched through his ribs, splattered across his core like a nebula of raw, pink skin. Bowcasters, as it turned out, left marks not even the finest First Order medical equipment could get rid of. 

But it was more than that. Hating was easy.

Hating was not something he was particularly good at, no matter what other people thought. No matter how much raged burned inside him.

He didn’t hate Chewie, not at all. He missed him so much it made his throat swell. It prodded at him like a tongue seeking the space where a tooth used to be. 

And that was always so much worse. 

His hands tightened into fists. He couldn’t get the words to work right, so instead, he shook his head.

Rey sighed. “You can say you miss him too, you know.” She paused, head cocked to the side just enough to let her hair spill over her shoulder. His hand twitched, itching to tuck it behind her ear. Her eyes bore into his. “It’s okay to admit you care about someone.”

_ No, it’s not,  _ he thought. _ Not now, not here.  _

_ Not with you. _

They had their own paths to walk, and it was clear to him that those paths would only cross in rare, blinding moments. A collision of stars, perhaps, but always meant to burn out. Savor them, but never wish for more. They could only run parallel, even if it hurt to think about.

He lifted his chin and forced himself to look away. He heard Rey huff.

“Fine,” she said. “I’ll change the subject. I didn’t recognize your ship. Is it new?”

He actually laughed. “It’s certainly new to me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

This was easier, this was comfortable. Bickering, fighting. It’s what they were good at.

His parents had been good at it too.

He spared her a glance out of the corner of his eye, letting a smirk form on his mouth. “I stole it.”

A wave of emotions rolled across her face. “I-- You-- You  _ stole  _ it?”

That familiar tinge of self-sabotage rolled over his tongue. He’d probably regret it, but he let the words come sliding out anyway. “Did you not steal yours too? I doubt Han Solo gave it to you.”

Her lips curled back into a snarl. “Don’t you dare.”

Just like that, it was back to the way it always had been. Tension hummed in the force between them, raking over his skin like nails.

Ahsoka finally turned from the chest with a roll of fabric in her hand. Her eyes slid between the two of them and she rolled her eyes. She pointed at them with her cane. “The two of you are worse than feral cats, I swear.”

Rey cast him one last dirty look before nodding apologetically to Ahsoka, who was working her way towards them.

Ahsoka stopped before the fire, closer to him than Rey. She watched the flames claw at the air for a long moment, seemingly lost in a different time and place. She clutched the fabric in her free hand, the other smoothing over the crook of her cane. 

For perhaps the first time, he got a sense of the pain and wisdom buried within her. He wasn’t a fool, he knew that she was stronger in the force than he and Rey combined. He felt sorrow pour off her in waves. 

“I didn’t bring the two of you here just so you could bicker.”

He and Rey shared a look. Rey spoke, “I thought you really only needed Ben. You said you had a gift for him.”

Frustration knotted through him. “A gift? I came all this way for a  _ gift _ ?” He glared at Rey. “And you lied about it?”

“I--”

Ahsoka let out an annoyed noise and cracked her cane against the ground. “Enough! I lied! She lied! You stole a ship! It hardly matters. I need the both of you here, I need the both of you to listen, to  _ learn _ .”

They both retreated like scolded children. Shame crept up the back of is neck.

He took a deep breath and checked the irritation from his tone. “Then what have you brought us here to learn?”

She didn’t say anything for a long time, letting the quiet fill the room like smoke. “There is a storm on the horizon,” she said at last, softer than he’d ever heard her before. “The both of you must be ready, but you, Jedi Killer, most of all.” 

Rey stiffened. “Ahsoka--” 

Ahsoka’s eyes fell on him, bright and focused like lightning. “You, most of all,” she said again.

He knew the force sometimes gave those most attuned to it visions. Sometimes of the past, things that had happened, emotions attached to a certain place or thing. 

In even rarer moments, it gave pieces of the future, glimpses of things to come. 

His mouth was dry. “What have you seen?”

She shook her head. “Not enough.” Her fist tightened around the fabric before falling open. She stared down at it in her palm. “But enough to know you will have to make a choice. There is a fork in your path. Paths are best followed when you know the truth.”

She closed the final distance between them and held out her hand, letting the fabric drop to the ground. 

In its place, she held a gnarled piece of plastic, blackened and stark against the ocher of her palm. “My padawan beads. I gave them to your grandfather, Anakin.” Her tongue caught on his name, but she shook her head, barely noticeable. “Now I give them to you.”

_ Grandfather _ .

_ Anakin. _

He stared at them, heart racing in his throat. It took seconds before his mind finally caught up. “Why? How did you get them back? I--”

She shook her head. “A story for another time. But I give them to you because you deserve to know the truth. The whole truth.”

“The whole truth?”

“You will see.”

Time seemed to crawl. There was no sound but blood rushing through his ears. 

He reached out and when his fingers brushed the heat-warped beads, it felt like he was being suffocated, stumbling blind through memories that weren’t his own. 

The force sucked him in through a black hole and spat him out into a pool of flashing visions.

 

When the room stopped spinning, he was in a different body, slightly shorter, leaner, less gangly than what he should’ve been. Evening light spilled between the buildings he didn’t recognize, but knew was the Jedi Temple on Coruscant. But Ahsoka was there, impossibly young, and they were outside and something was wrong. 

She looked up at him with those big blue eyes, full of pain and confusion and his heart seized. He choked on what he wanted to say. The truth lumped up in his throat. 

He wanted to beg her to stay, he needed her to stay. 

“I understand wanting to walk away from the Order.”

He was being torn apart.

“I know.”

And so she turned and walked away. 

And he was left knowing that without her, he would drown.

 

The scene faded, giving way to a slowly shrinking space, bathed in the dim glow of energy dancing across the floor. His whole body ached with raw power, old pain that had been ripped open and cased in something that smothered. But there was a sharp, new pain across his face. 

An echo of a scar that would be passed down in time.

“Ahsoka.” Her name gurgles up from his chest, half filtered through his mask. 

She was older than the previous memory, face sharper and eyes rimmed with shock and and pity that he wants to snuff out. Her full mouth parts. He’d forgotten what her voice sounded like. “Anakin.”

He was angrier than he’d ever been. So he stood and stared, but she was taller than he remembered. 

_ Ahsoka, why did you leave? Where were you when I needed you?  _

_ You were selfish. _

_ You abandoned me! You failed me! _

_ Do you know what I’ve become? _

“I won’t leave you!” She lifted her chin. “Not this time.”

It was too late.

He raised his saber and ignited it. It casted a red glow across his vision and the heat crackled against his face. “Then you will die.”

 

Then he was thrown back into the spinning world of the force, images and voices and phantom emotions swirling around him. Infinite and eldritch. He thought he’d fall forever. Tragedy in an endless loop.

_ Anakin, you’re breaking my heart! You’re going down a path I can’t follow. _

_ You’ll never be as strong as Darth Vader! _

_ You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you! _

_ You’re just a child in a mask. _

_ From my point of view, the Jedi are evil! _

_ The deed split your spirit to the bone. _

_ Father, I won’t leave you. _

 

And then Rey’s voice cut through all the noise.

“Ben!”

He felt hope, searing across his chest. Her light was so bright everything else disappeared in a blinding wash. 

She caught his wrist and he stopped falling. The force shattered. His mind was silent, and he was back before the fire, staring up at the domed ceiling and dripping in sweat, lungs heaving for air. Ahsoka was turned back towards the fire, staring into the flames again.

But Rey… 

She was next to him, on her knees while he laid thrown back on the ground.

She smoothed his hair away from his face. “Ben,” she said again, reverent. Her fingers knotted through his and squeezed. “What did you see?”

He took a ragged breath. “Everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FIRST OF ALL, thank you guys so much for all the well wishes! Surgery went well and I'm recovering very nicely!   
> And of course, thank you all for the continuous support on this fic. <3 I can hardly believe it.   
> But anyway, >:) Star Wars pain. We're finally getting through most of the exposition and I'm starting to really plant seeds for what's to come for everyone.   
> I hope you all enjoyed!   
> Comments and kudos are much loved, like my betas: Leslie and Alex. MUAH.   
> Find me on tumblr and twitter @ tatraas


	5. I don't understand what destiny's planned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahsoka let out heady sigh. "What do you, Jedi Killer, know of love?"
> 
> Ben was quiet. Rey watched a log crack and pretended not to notice him glance at her.

Ben’s heart was still pounding beneath her fingers.

She rested her hand on his chest against her better judgement, and despite Ahsoka’s cool gaze that shifted between them.

He was pouring sweat. It slicked beneath her palm as she ran soothing lines through his hair with his head in her lap.

She’d felt it too. She felt the tether snap and the force come rushing through him like a wave. It was over just as fast as it had begun but by the time she’d blinked, he was thrown back onto the ground.

She didn’t even think before she was up and around the fire between them, hands fluttering helplessly over his form before he came gasping back to life. He’d told her everything the force had shown him, and then disappeared into a pool of confusion and anger.

His dark eyes fell to Ahsoka.

“You,” he rasped. “He needed you to stay. Why didn’t you stay?”

Ahsoka took a deep breath. “I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t have saved him even if I did.”

“That’s a lie!”

There was a raw, desperate tone to his voice that made the hair on the back of Rey’s neck stand on end. He lurched but she held him fast, pressing against his heart. She didn’t understand what the visions had meant, why what he had seen curled his lips over his teeth. It was like having the pieces of a puzzle but being unable to even fathom the image they were supposed to make. He fussed beneath her.

“Ben. Don’t.”

Ahsoka turned to look at them, hard lines drawn across her shadowed face. “The Jedi failed your grandfather, they led him to ruin. It didn’t have to happen the way it did, but it _did_. My staying would’ve only gotten me killed as well.”

The force was pulled taut between them, thick and electrified with tension. Were she not half buried under him, Rey would’ve fled from the room before it blew to pieces.

But Ahsoka pointed a gnarled finger at her. “This is for you to hear also, Jedi.”

Rey froze.

Ben was still shaking. “Why? Why did you bring us here? What was I meant to learn here?”

Ahsoka watched them before she let out a harsh, bitter laugh. “You’re both so miserable and yet you still cannot see, so determined in your independence that you cannot untangle yourself from the cycle of violence.” She tosses her head towards the door and rapped her cane against the floor. “This war will be unending unless you see. It’s still not too late, for either of you. Do not let the world tell you that balance is found only in the death of the other.”

Chills rippled over Rey’s skin. She looked back down at Ben and found him pale and blinking. He slipped from her grasp and sat up, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “It never ends. I saw it. There is always pain and war.”

Ahsoka shook her head, shuffling back until she took a seat on one of the benches around the fire. “There _was_ , but the two of you can change it. _Together_.”

Rey’s hands clenched into fists in her lap. “How? What are we supposed to do? This is beyond us.”

“I didn’t realize the Supreme Leader of the First Order and the last Jedi were so powerless.” There’s a new edge to Ahsoka’s voice, drawn tight over lips and teeth. “The two of you could change everything and yet you do not. Now I ask: why? Perhaps the whole galaxy deserves an answer.”

“I--” Rey snapped her mouth shut and glanced at Ben. His nostrils flared with fury but he didn’t look at anyone, content to stare off into nothing. She licked her lips and met Ahsoka’s cold gaze. “I am not a senator, or a general. I’m just trying to help these children who have nowhere else to go.”

Ahsoka leaned forward until her face was cut in harsh lines from the fire. “And what do you teach these little force sensitive children?”

Rey set her jaw. “I teach them as Luke taught me.”

She saw Ben stiffen.

Ahsoka scoffed. “What Luke taught you? How long were you with him? Two days at most?”

Heat crept up Rey’s cheeks. She bit her tongue before it came spilling out. “I seek Ben’s guidance too!”

A strange, knowing smile unfurled across Ahsoka’s mouth. “Oh?”

Ben, although still not looking anywhere besides the middle distance, spoke up. “She’s a better teacher than I ever had. I do what I can.”

“Then perhaps you already know what these visions are trying to show you, you just lack the courage to make it so.”

Silence fell between them. Rey’s mind was spattered with thoughts, too quick and heavy to catch and make coherent.

What did she want from all this? How did she see this ending?

She stole a look at Ben.

What did she want from him?

Peace. Balance. Understanding.

She wanted to be able to speak with him without lying to her friends, she wanted to see him smile, to help her and help the younglings. She wanted to be free of the illicit bond.

_No_ , the thought punched through her gut so hard she sucked in a quick breath. She didn’t want to be free of the bond. She wanted it to not feel like it was _wrong_.

There was still some reactionary part of her brain that kept screaming to want these things, to want them for Ben, was ruinous. There was no way it would end without devastation. And yet, sitting in Ahsoka’s hut, close enough to feel his warmth, it felt like permission. It was easier to turn off those thoughts and think of a future that was brighter. For the both of them.

Time passed slowly, and she watched the moon disappear above the window beyond the fire. They all withdrew into their thoughts. Ahsoka’s mouth was pressed into a thin line and Ben was staring into the fire. Rey’s hands itched to reach out to him, but she didn’t.

When she felt her eyelids growing heavy, Ben was the first to break the silence.

"He cared about you, deeply. It killed him to watch you go.” His voice was low, fractured and fragile like glass. “Did you love him?" he asks, curled up like a child with his knees to his chest.

Rey startled. This was too intimate, too vulnerable. It made her muscles ache to flee, and it had nothing to do with her. She felt like a voyeur.

Ahsoka let out heady sigh. "What do you, Jedi Killer, know of love?"

Ben was quiet. Rey watched a log crack and pretended not to notice him glance at her.

"Truthfully, no. I don't think I did. Not romantically.” Ahsoka looked older, exhausted. “But I think I could have, and that's always the worst part, isn't it? He was my best friend. And now he is gone. I don’t think I’ve quite forgiven him for that."

Rey fought the urge to look at him. He was quieter than she expected of him, so much so she was unsure if he’d spoke at all. His words came out as a whisper. "Do you think I deserve forgiveness then? Love?"

Ahsoka studied him. "No."

He blinked at the fire. A cold weight seemed to settle in his bones, like he was withdrawing back into himself.

"But," she continued, a small smile playing on her lips. "I don't think that's how love works. It happens whether we deserve it or not."

The fire reflected in Ahsoka's eyes. She stared into the heart of the flames, looking beyond, lost in thought. Ben sighed and let his head fall to rest on his knees. This time, Rey let herself lean forward and rest a hand against his back. She reached out in the force and felt the tired hum of him. She threaded through him, gentle and soothing.

She was about to withdraw when he leaned into her completely. It was sudden and enveloping and it stole her breath. It almost scared her how much she wanted to fall into the feeling of him and never claw her way out.

Ahsoka cleared her throat.

They tore apart and Rey jerked her hand back. She waited for shame to come pouring in but there was nothing, only the hollow feeling of his absence in her bones.

“Ah.” Ahsoka quirked her head as if someone had whispered something into her ear. She nodded towards Ben. "There is a woman in your dreams."

His head snapped to look at her.  "How do you know?"

For a moment, a sad smile painted her wrinkled face. Before Rey could be sure though, it was gone.

"She visits you often, doesn't she?" Ahsoka asked. "The woman with a swollen belly and flowers in her hair."

Ben leaned forward, straightening his legs. "Who is she?"

The sad smile returned, this time it stayed and she looked up to stare at the stars through the gap in the roof where smoke billowed out. "She was my friend." She took a deep breath before she continued, "Your parents were good people. They loved you, but they did you a disservice by keeping the truth from you."

When he opened his mouth to protest, she shot him a glare. His mouth snapped shut and she continued.

"Your grandmother was the best person I've ever known."

He seemed to wobble then, catching himself with his hands on the dirt floor. “My grandmother?”

"You look like her, you know. All that dark curly hair." A pause. "She would've loved you, too. She loved Anakin so much she thought she could save him." Ahsoka laughed, the sound rusty and unpracticed. "Looks like she tried to save you too."

He shook his head. Before Rey could stop him, he stood and swept towards the door.

“Ben!”

He didn’t even look back before he disappeared out into the night.

Rey moved to follow him but the crook of Ahsoka’s cane caught her wrist. She wanted to protest but Ahsoka shook her head. “Let him go. He has much to think about.”

Rey paused, heat searing through her chest. Something inside her snapped. “No.” It came out harsher than she intended, but she didn’t regret it. “If what you say about us is true, if what he saw was any indication of what’s to come, then I’m done letting him be alone in this. We’ll work through this.” Her chin set a defiant line. “Together.”

She slipped her hand from Ahsoka’s cane and took off after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD IT'S BEEN OVER A MONTH SINCE THE LAST UPDATE AND I AM SO SORRY. I have semi-excuses though, I swear! I went on an impromptu trip for a week, then got home and was sick for a week, and then I started doing art commissions and well...time just kinda slipped away from me. But I swear this isn't going anywhere, I'm going to try to be better about updates now.  
> Anyway, thank you all so much for the support and comments on this fic! It's overwhelming. I hope the wait was worth this little emotional breakthrough. Title is from Clean by Depeche Mode (thanks, Krist)  
> Much love to all of you and the betas (Leslie and Alex, as always)  
> Find me on tumblr and twitter @ tatraas


	6. Because we've run out of time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He leaned down until he was hovering over her mouth, breath catching with hers. “So what do you want?”  
> “I want you to return with me. I want us to work together.” She licked her lips, looking up at him with bright, hopeful eyes. “I want you to be happy.”

He couldn’t quite remember how to breathe. 

The air on Raada was thin and always vaguely smelled of ozone. Cold and wet and biting. It burned his nose to breathe it in, but here he was gasping for it. 

All because of some ancient Togruta’s fucking-kriffling-cursed hunk of burnt plastic and penchant for being ominous. 

If he had any sense at all he’d board his stolen cruiser and return to the First Order now. But Maker— he heard Threepio’s shrill whine of a voice tugging at his ears—he was supposed to want  _ this _ . It wasn’t supposed to be this hard, at least that’s he’d always imagined. As if anything in his life had ever been  _ easy _ . 

He was starting to realize he was a fool to ever hope for something different.

But when he blinked he saw it. He saw a planet made of lava in the back of his eyelids, felt the phantom agony in his limbs. 

There was Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader and Ben Solo, all tangled up in a knot in Kylo Ren’s chest. 

A Supreme Leader. A Jedi Killer. Bested by memories that weren’t his own and his stupid, aching heart. 

He rested his forehead against the cold hull of his stolen cruiser. For just a moment, he tried ignore the seam through his chest that was being pulled apart, and just focus on the world around him. There was mud beneath is feet, infinite stars above his head, and the feeling of life and death in between.

Luke had once described the force as a thing that flowed, but it had never felt that way to him. It vibrated and hummed in his head, snagging on the bits that were dark. He supposed Luke had gotten ‘flow’ because it did feel like water, but not the kind of water that was smooth and life-giving.

No, the force was the kind of water that washed away the sides of mountains during a storm, a riptide that caught the ankle of a child and sucked him down below the surface. It was full of horrors. It filled lungs and burned eyes and—

“Ben.”

His eyes snapped open, unseeing against the chrome shell before his face. He sighed and his breath fogged the metal.

“Ben,” she said again. “You can talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk.” It was a lie, of course. He wanted to tell her everything— every desire, every doubt, every hypocritical thought that wormed its way through his head. It frightened him so much he could think of nothing else than the desperate need to get away. “I want to leave.”

He heard her feet suction through the mud to get closer. “Then leave. But do it because you want to go back, not because you’re running away from here.”

He turned to stare at her. Her brows were knitted together, hands in fists at her side. She was pulling at him through the thread between them. Emotions, thick and rich like the stink of carrion perfumed off her in waves. Frustration and grief and . . .  _ want _ ? 

Longing. Sickly sweet, terrifying longing. 

Why had she followed him?

He wasn’t sure he wanted to know, so he shoved her out of his head in panic and ground his teeth. “You think I’m running away?”

She watched him coolly. “I know you are.”

“And I suppose you would know, wouldn’t you? Hiding from the war on your little green planet.”

“What about yourself, then? Half-hearted swipes at the Resistance, botched attempts at diplomacy?” There was something almost wicked about her mouth as she spoke, caught between baring her teeth and a smirk. “I’ve seen you truly go to war before, this is nothing. You could end it, but you don’t. So you’re running away from something.”

A snarl ripped from his chest like a cornered, wounded animal.

She scoffed. “You’re a child.”

“And you’re no better.”

He felt the tugging of the hook in his mind, the rap of her knuckle against the shield he’d thrown up to keep her out. Still, he let her pull at him until he felt the bond go slack again.

“To think I came out here to comfort you.” She shook her head, bitter laugh ringing. “To tell you you didn’t have to be alone.”

“We’ve told each other that before and yet here we are. Alone except for stolen moments with an enemy.”

He heard her suck in a breath at that. 

“Did you forget?” He let himself take a step closer to her and saw the muscles in her jaw working under skin in the dim light. “Or are you just pretending? Are you ashamed of what your friends would think if they knew what we’d done?”

There were countless secret conversations, a handful of meetings hidden away on this lifeless moon or a cantina on an uncharted planet.

But that wasn’t what hung between them. 

They’d never spoken of what had happened, when their bond was still new and the need was slick and raw. It was more of a dream, something half-real and shared in the dark. If he didn’t catch her sometimes staring at his mouth, if he didn’t remember the feeling of her above him, he would’ve been convinced it was just a dream.

He wanted her to say it wasn’t.

She looked up at him. He expected color to rise in her cheeks but there was nothing, just the glint in her eyes that sparked of murder. He probably deserved it, though the thought of her choking the life out of him outside of Ahsoka’s hut amused him in that moment far more than it should’ve.

“No,” she said, firm and quick like she was afraid she’d lose her nerve to speak. “I didn’t forget. And I’m not ashamed.”

He leaned down until he was hovering over her mouth, breath catching with hers. “So what do you want?”

“I want you to return with me. I want us to work together.” She licked her lips, looking up at him with bright, hopeful eyes. “I want you to be happy.”

He pulled away and gave her a sad smile. “You know I can’t do that.”

She seemed dazed for a moment, still swimming in their shared heat, before it all came crashing down. Grief tore through his mind, ripping through the barrier he’d put up between their minds. It was white-hot and nearly brought him to his knees.

“So I guess that’s your answer, then?” she asked, shaking with fury. “Everything you saw, everything Ahsoka did was for nothing.”

It was agonizing, the thought of being Supreme Leader for even one more day. But it was familiar. Staying here, going with Rey, that was a black hole of the unknown. The unknown was always more frightening than a path of familiar trauma. 

So he let the wave of sadness wash over him and turned his head to watch Raada’s own moon dip below the horizon. “I can’t go with you. That’s my answer.”

 

\---

 

He couldn’t bear the thought of saying goodbye, so even after they’d returned silently to Ahsoka’s hut to get some sleep, he’d slipped out just as he heard Rey’s breath even into deep sighs. 

The sky was just beginning to lighten when he found Ahsoka waiting for him outside his stolen cruiser. He said nothing as he moved past her, reaching to open the shuttle doors and let the ramp slide out. 

An orange, wrinkled hand caught his arm. “I know you think you’ve made up your mind, but this is not the end.” When he looked down, there was a mischievous glint to her eyes, though her mouth was pulled taut into a frayed line. “Not for you, and not for the two of you together.”

He shook her free and slipped inside the cruiser without a word.

Just as he flipped the switch to close the ramp, he watched her cock her head below. Through the narrowing gap, she smirked. “I’ll see you again, Ben Solo.”

He stared at the space beyond the door where she had been, regret curling in his stomach until he felt he might be sick.

He thought again about how much easier it would be to hate.

With a final sigh, he shook his head and turned back to make his way to the cockpit. The inside of the ship still smelled like expensive liquor and leather, though now tinged with the wet, swampy smell of Raada. 

All the same, the owner would have their cruiser back soon, and he’d return to the place he was trying to make himself belong. 

He found all the startup switches again with ease, letting the ship hiss back to life. The navigation panel pinged and he set the coordinates back to a different dumpy cantina on a planet near where he’d stolen it. Like some poor drunken fool had taken it for a joyride and ended up a short jump away.

Like a scoundrel. 

As he turned to take his place in the pilot's chair, he found a familiar piece of cloth laid out across the seat. 

The blackened bits of Ahsoka Tano’s padawan beads stared up at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swore I wouldn't make you guys wait another month for an update and I made it by 5 days. I'm doing my best. (But really, I _think_ updates should be more regular now, should my personal life decide to behave.  
>  Anyway! I hope you all enjoyed it, as...frustrating as it maybe was??? Don't give up hope on these two fools yet, though. They'll get there eventually. ;)  
> As always, thank you for the comments and kudos, and thank you to my beloved betas: Leslie and Alex.  
> Title is from Low by Rivals (check them out, they're super great)  
> Find me on tumblr and twitter @ tatraas


	7. two feet standing on a principle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What is war?” the voice in her dreams asked. Again, “What is war, Rey?”
> 
> She stood before a pool of infinite darkness that beckoned behind the lines, blind but unafraid. The answered bubbled up from somewhere deep inside her. “War is the story of dead heroes.”
> 
> “Dead heroes. And you will be one of them.”

When she woke, he was gone. It wasn’t a surprise exactly, but the sting of it bit at her skin more than she thought it should’ve.

She sat up and stretched the sleep from her limbs. The rising sun cast long shadows in the hut, but like Ben, Ahsoka was also nowhere to be found. If she closed her eyes, she could’ve been back on Jakku, with nothing but sun and silence and an immeasurable loneliness in her chest.

Rey had woken up alone her whole life. She was supposed to be used to it, but somehow this was different. Heavier.

_Maybe he was just—_

No _._

When she reached out, she still felt the tether between them but it was faded and soft, like it was dozing. He was no longer on Raada. She thought about tugging at it but what could she say? What words were left that hadn’t been said, that would actually make a difference? So she let it fade back into her peripherals and pulled herself up from her pallet.

Get up. Get dressed. Keep moving.

How many mornings had that been her mantra?

Enough to fill the interior of a sand-sunken AT-AT with scratches.

She supposed she should’ve been angry. Furious. Ready to summon Chewie with the Falcon and fly straight to the First Order to fight Ben. There was still that part of her that was burning with absolute rage, but it was smaller and shadowed by an ache.

She pulled her hair up away from her face and tugged on her boots.

It felt like there was a hole punched through her, but she tucked her bag over her shoulder anyway. She wished he was still with her. She wished he was coming with her to meet her students, to see Chewie again. To have their chance to start everything over.

But he had given her his answer and that was that.

She was still needed here and she couldn’t waste anymore time trying to make him see he was too.

The door to the hut squealed open with the morning dew. The air was humid and smelled of wet earth as she stepped out into it. It filled her lungs through steady breaths.

 _This is different_ , she kept telling herself. _This isn’t Jakku, and you’re not alone._

Her foot sank into a squelching layer of mud.

_This is very clearly not Jakku._

She found Ahsoka behind the hut, pulling at the select bits of vegetation that managed to make a life on this forsaken shell of a planet.

She managed a side-eyed glance at Rey as she dug through the mud. “Half the day is already over, Jedi. But I am pleased you finally joined the living.”

Rey made a face. “I don’t see many living things on this planet.”

Ahsoka laughed, wrinkles forming at the corner of her eyes. The joyous sound of it almost made Rey forget there was something missing from the picture. “That is true,” Ahsoka said. “Life seems rare these days, but we still try to find it and nurture it all the same, don’t we?”

Rey gave her a sad smile in response. They shared a few minutes of silence as Ahsoka tended her small garden. The sun rose higher in the sky, the warmth of it welcome against Rey’s skin. She hoped it would dry up some of the nasty muck.

“Your Ben is gone,” Ahsoka finally said, tone carefully neutral. “But I suppose you already know that. He left before dawn.”

Rey inhaled through her nose, jaw clenched and mouth pressed into a line.

When she said nothing, Ahsoka sighed and wiped her hands on her thighs. She worked her cane into the ground and hauled herself up, joints cracking and protesting all the way. “I will tell you what I told him: this is not the end. The two of you have much to learn, and I’ve given you both much to think about.” In an uncharacteristic display of affection, she reached out and cradled Rey’s jaw. Her thumb drew a line of dirt over Rey’s cheek. “He is stubborn, like all Skywalkers are. But so are you. It’s why you need each other.”

Rey blinked and realized she was crying. It came suddenly, like the storms on Ahch-To, the swell of her throat and the pressure behind her eyes. “I thought I could be enough to make him stay. I thought—”

Ahsoka hushed her. “I know. And I have hope. Above all, I have hope _because_ the two of you, but I am begging you to see what the galaxy needs of you.”

“But how do I make _him_ see?”

It was Ahsoka’s turn to give her a sad smile. “You can’t. He has to do it on his own. And I know better than most how much it hurts to walk away, praying they will follow.” She let her eyes flutter closed for a moment. “But you are not me, and he is not Anakin.” Her eyes snapped open again, sharp and shining. “And you will break the cycle.”

Rey nodded numbly.

Ahsoka’s finger’s moved to grip Rey’s chin, forcing her to look down at her. “No. I want to hear you say it.”

Rey stared, letting the emotions and words wash over her. Despair, loneliness, and rage. An immense, smothering amount of rage. Why had she been left to carry this burden? With or without him. It wasn’t fair. All she had ever wanted was to have someplace to belong.

She grit her teeth.

Why did she only ever feel like she belonged when she was with someone who barely seemed to fit inside his own skin?

Beneath it all though, there was a thing that sparked. Low and in her belly, warming the underside of her lungs: determination.

She blinked away her tears. “And I will break the cycle— _we_ will break the cycle.”

Ahsoka beamed. “Then the galaxy waits with bated breath.”

 

\---

 

Chewie arrived to pick her up just after midday. Saying goodbye to Ahsoka was bittersweet, punctuated with a curt nod and a rap of her cane against Rey’s backside.

“Remember what I said, Jedi. We hold our breath for you.”

Rey took a deep breath. “I move forward. He follows.” She took a step up on the ramp of the Falcon before she turned to Ahsoka again. “Do you really think he’ll follow?”

Ahsoka shrugged. “He will follow or be pushed. Each path is full of its own struggles, but I have—”

“Hope,” Rey finished with a small smile.

Ahsoka snorted. “Hope.”

Rey nodded and closed the space between her and the inside of the ship. She moved to shut the door behind her when Ahsoka called from below.

“Master Rey!” She whipped around and watched as Ahsoka leaned against her cane. The white tattoos that lined her face quirked with a clever grin. “May the force be with you.”

The warmth in Rey’s belly bloomed. “May the force be with you, Ahsoka Tano.”

When the door closed between them, it took all of Rey’s strength to hang on to the flame of determination that had begun to warm her bones. The weight, the reality was creeping in across her shoulders like the cold. It wanted to drag her down but she shook her head and turned to follow the sound of Chewie’s impatient warbling.

 

\---

 

When they had settled into a steady hyperspace lane, Rey excused herself from the copilot’s seat and into the communal space to nap on the relief pilot bunk. Her eyes felt swollen from crying and her muscles sore from sleeping on the ground.

She could’ve laughed at herself. Ahsoka was right, she was getting spoiled.

Chewie made no protests as she slipped away, only offering small noises of sympathy about needing all her energy for the younglings and padawans. If he noticed her still splotchy face, he was kind enough not to comment. Not on how obvious it was that she’d been upset, and not on the distinct lack of anything on Ben.

Making a makeshift pillow out of her bag, she settled into the cushions to face the wall. Though her mind was still buzzing, and the bond still anchored, albeit silent, it only took a minute for sleep to take her.

So she dreamt of doorways.

There was nothing but a sea of pitch and stars, and she was falling into it. Down, down, down until a path of lines caught her in a cradle, in a breath.

Each direction she looked was looped with paths and doors, shapes and symbols and distant voices. They were all speaking at once, cascading over each other like the sound of rain hitting metal. Unseen hands were pulling at her.

It was overwhelming.

It was peaceful.

She was lost.

She knew exactly where she was meant to go.

A circle opened up before her like an eye, white lines pulling apart until it blinked.

 _This is a dream_ , she thought. _This is real._

She stepped towards it and the cacophony of voices hushed into a single, low tone. There was something about it that rang familiar.

“What is war?” the voice in her dreams asked. Again, “What is war, Rey?”

She stood before a pool of infinite darkness that beckoned behind the lines, blind but unafraid. The answered bubbled up from somewhere deep inside her. “War is the story of dead heroes.”

“Dead heroes. And you will be one of them.”

The darkness reached out with a hand of constellations and pulled her into the abyss.

It felt like flying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyy it hasn't been a month! I hope you're all still enjoying the fic so far, we're starting to finally get into the meat of it. I'm going to be exploring the mysticism of the force a lot more, as you can tell from this chapter. The force really wants these two to work it out. We'll see how it goes ;)  
> As always, comments and kudos are much appreciated! Thank you to everyone who has loved it so far. <3  
> Shout out to the usual betas, blah, blah blah: Leslie and Alex.  
> Title is from Still by Daughter  
> I made a playlist for this fic too! You can find the post [here](http://tatraas.tumblr.com/post/171883891940/and-the-path-was-a-circle-a-reylo-fic-playlist).  
> Find me on tumblr and twitter @ tatraas


	8. I'll find my own way down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She pushed him back down, still rocking unevenly, and there was a blossom of wet, pink skin where his mouth had been. He wished he’d made it a bruise. Something more permanent, something for her to see and remember what they’d done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter, at long last, finally features some sex. It's not...terribly explicit, but it's _enough_. If you wish to skip it, skip to the second triple dash. :)

He’d suffered every night since he’d returned from Raada. He had nightmares often; visions of charred, star-marked bodies that screamed and clawed at him through white-ringed doors. Ancient power with maws that begged to swallow him whole. 

But he was used to those, used to waking up in fear with his heart in his throat. 

The dreams of  _ her  _ were far worse. Replaying that single shared moment not long after the Battle of Crait, when their bond was aching and their hearts lonely.

The dream always started the same way.

\---

Neither of them knew what they were doing besides chasing a need that burned inside them. Seeking an end where they were slick and spent and tangled. 

Their clothes had long disappeared, lost in a fevered rush, a mess of tongue and teeth and groping hands. 

Her fingers knotted in his hair as his mouth sealed over the pink tip of her breast. 

His head fell back as she curled her hand tentatively around him. 

Their wide eyes found each other, seeking approval. “Show me how to touch you,” they’d whisper. “Please.”

They were running on instinct. To touch, to be touched. 

They fumbled around his bed until he was on his back with her above him, pressed against him. 

His fingertips dug into her hips. “Are you sure?”

Her chest swelled as she took a deep breath. “I am if you are.”

He nodded. There were words he meant to say, comfort and reassurance he meant to give, but they were all lost as she slowly lowered herself onto him. 

He could barely remember to breathe. 

Through half-lidded eyes, he watched as she adjusted to the feeling of him inside her. Stretched and full and strange, but not the pain she perhaps expected. Sweat broke out across her brow, color painted high on her cheeks. A soft huff blew her hair away from her face. 

Affection swelled within him and for once he didn’t try to push it away. He reached up and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. Somehow, he managed to find words again.  “Are you okay?”

“Yes.” She let her eyes fall closed. “Should I move?”

“Please.” He shook his head when it came out too uncontrolled. “Only if you want.”

She moved her hips, experimental at first, but it still pulled a desperate noise from his throat. Her hands braced against his chest and she did it again. This time, her head fell back and exposed the long line of her neck. He pushed himself up until he caught her skin with his teeth. 

He found that as he sucked on the junction between her jaw and ear, she made a wicked hum that shot down his spine. It was that same ache, pooling in his gut.  

She pushed him back down, still rocking unevenly, and there was a blossom of wet, pink skin where his mouth had been. He wished he’d made it a bruise. Something more permanent, something for her to see and remember what they’d done.

“Please,” she begged. “Touch me.”

He wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, what she wanted or where. He swallowed. “Show me.”

She took his hand and guided it between them, against her where she was swollen and slick. His thumb brushed against her clit, the rest of his hand splayed across the flesh below her bellybutton, shy in his touch but apparently enough. 

Their half-formed rhythm hiccuped, Rey’s eyes snapping open. “There.”

He repeated the movement, again and again until she was whimpering. His own baseless need overshadowed by hers. He wanted to see her come undone. He wanted to hear her, to feel her. 

He hoped his determination would be enough to make up for his inexperience, but his thoughts turned to smoke when she leaned forward to press her chest against his, her hands above his head. Sweat-soaked skin against skin. 

Their new position was tighter, new, and wrung a moan from the both of them. The hand that had been digging into her hip slipped to the small of her back.

She worked greedy, wet kisses along his jaw. It made his heart thump against his ribs. To be wanted, to give in return. 

He was absolutely lost in the sound of her breath in his ear. He could have listened to it forever. He slid his hand up her back to grasp the hair at the base of her skull. 

“Ben.” Her lips brushed the shell of his ear as she rolled her hips.

Matching her pace, his mouth sought the place where shoulder met neck. He whispered her name into her skin in return. “Rey.”

_ So close _ . He was so close. 

Something tapped against the back of his mind, plucking at the cord. Her voice, gentle and sincere, echoed through his head.  _ You’re not alone. _

For the first time, he truly believed her.  _ Neither are you _ , he answered.

She let out a happy sigh and he felt her smile.

His fingers, still between them, circled her again and she gasped, forming a strangled version of his name. Her nails dug into him, the heat of her tightened around him. She came with her face pressed against his neck.

That was all it took. He spent himself inside her with a graceless noise, too lost to think that maybe he shouldn’t. 

But he hadn’t. 

When his eyes snapped opened, she was gone and the bond felt like static. There was no one else in the room, but there were divots in the bed where her knees had been beside his hips. And it still smelled of her, of sweat and need and—

He looked down and realized in shameful horror, he’d made a mess across his stomach.

A second wave of horror came again when a series of thuds pounded against his door. A distant voice called from beyond. “Advisor Pax requests you meet him in the Upper Boardroom at your earliest convenience, Supreme Leader.”

“Tell him I’ll be there in a little bit.”

A pause, then the clearing of a throat. “He said the matter was of utmost importance and to escort you immediately to the meeting, Supreme Leader.”

Kylo groaned and collapsed back onto the bed.

\---

He’d been nursing a migraine since he returned from Raada. A migraine when he was awake, and unending nightmares when he was asleep. He wasn’t sure which he preferred.

So for two weeks, two unbearable, patience-draining weeks, the pain had grown to a point where he could barely stand anything other than complete darkness. 

The meeting Advisor Pax had called that morning was barely a blip in his memory, not even worth his presence or the sheets he’d soiled in a hasty attempt to clean himself. The whole thing was most likely just meant to get under his skin. To punish him for leaving them to their own devices for a few days. The second Pax had stopped talking, Kylo stole from the room and disappeared into the quietest, darkest place he could find.

He desperately needed to bathe and take a nap, but he knew the second he stepped into his chambers to take a shower, someone would corner him and rush him to another useless meeting.

He opted for a nap somewhere else instead.

Portia and Rook, stripped of their armor and clad in black robes, found him dozing in a maintenance room in the lower-levels of the  _ Inquisitor _ .  Fortunately for them, the buzz of them together in the force pulled Kylo awake just before the door hissed open. 

Kylo was already glaring when they appeared. “What do you want?”

Rook crossed his arms over his thick chest. “Hux is looking for you.”

“Tell him I’m busy.”

The white markings on Portia’s face pinched into a scowl. “He’s still less than pleased about your disappearing act two weeks ago, we can’t cover for you any more. He’s starting to get suspicious.” 

“He’ll get over it.” Kylo pulled his makeshift blanket-cape over his head like a child. 

Rook yanked the cape away and tossed it behind him. “Why were you on Raada?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Portia scoffed. “Right. And you don’t know anything about the abandoned cruiser outside that cantina either.”

Kylo froze. His eyes flickered between the two knights before him, the sound of blood rushing in his ears making everything distant and hollow. They watched him expectantly, but without hostility. Rook’s lightsabers were strapped to his hips and Portia’s staff was slung across her back. Neither seemed tense like they were about to reach for them.

They knew something, and he pleaded with the universe that they didn’t know about  _ her _ . Had he been careless? Apparently. He’d been blinded by his weak need to see her again. 

He wished he could roll back over and pretend none of it was happening. 

So he tried to play it cool, despite his heart pounding in his chest and the sweat on his brow saying otherwise. He trusted them, and he hoped they trusted him enough in return to let it go, if he gave them a good enough answer.

Finally, he stood with a sigh. “I have allies unwilling to be seen working with the First Order. Leave it at that.”

“They don’t sound like allies if they refuse to meet you openly,” Portia said. She lifted her chin, letting her shoulder fall. “We’re loyal to you and you alone, not the First Order. You can tell us.”

“No.” Kylo shook his head. He plucked his cape from the floor and secured it back over his shoulders, moving towards the exit. The pain flared behind his eyes. He bit his tongue and tried to ignore it. “Not this.” 

Portia stepped aside to let him pass. “If you won’t tell us what’s going on then let me say this. You should be more careful. The next person who finds out might not be as forgiving, Ren.”

He gave her a curt nod. “Thank you, Portia, Rook.”

Rook watched him walk away. “Is it the girl?”

Kylo paused at the door. His hand curled into a fist at his side, but he said nothing as he swept from the maintenance room.

\---

Portia and Rook stared at the space where Kylo had been, letting the force crackle over their skin. He always seemed to leave a storm in his wake, and it was a wonder he hadn’t destroyed himself in it.  _ Yet _ . 

Rook shook his head in frustration.

Portia ran a nervous hand over her lekku. “Have you figured out who the girl is yet?”

“I believe it’s the girl Snoke wanted, before Crait. The one that killed him.”

She bristled. “ _ That _ girl? Kriff, what would he want with her?”

“I don’t know,” Rook said, “but I don’t know if he’s been telling the truth this whole time.”

Realization crept over Portia slowly. She turned to look up at him. “You don’t think she killed Snoke?”

“No.”

“And what makes you think that?”

He ground his teeth together. “It’s just a feeling. Something’s not right.”

Portia worried her teeth over her lower lip, watching the lights on the wall panels blink. “And if your suspicions are true? Will you still follow him?”

“To the ends of the galaxy. To my death.”

“Then we’re in agreement.”

Rook smirked, shaking his head again. “Now what do we do?”

Portia tapped an affectionate fist against his shoulder, taking a step towards the door. “Now we have two idiots to protect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A COUPLE THINGS:  
> 1\. I'M SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. Life, once again, happened. BUT! It's been all positive stuff. I got a job and it's going incredibly well and I'm feeling better mentally than I have in a long time.  
> 2\. SEX. THEY HAD SEX. This scene was excruciating for me to write, mostly because I wanted to get it perfect. I don't know if I did but I worked my ass off on it and I hope I made it sweet and awkward and enjoyable to read. I don't usually write smut so this was New.  
> 3\. I hope some of y'all have read my other Star Wars works to know that Portia and Rook are my Knights of Ren OCs. They always end up sneaking into everything. I love them dearly and I hope you all do too now ;)  
> 4\. AND AS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS, thank you to Alex and Leslie who are the best betas and friends I could ask for. Thank you for reading my porn. <3  
> Comments and kudos must appreciated, and thank you to any and all of you that have left them in the past. They make my day.  
> Find me on twitter and tumblr @ tatraas


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